srah blah blah

9:00 - WTF Uglybeard? Why haven't we seen that Uglybeard? When did he have time to grow that Uglybeard? Didn't we see him clean-shaven in the airport bar before boarding? Maybe it's Jack's doppelganger, the one who they found on Alternate Flight 815, under the ocean somewhere.

9:01 - Oh. Different flight. I forgot people take more than one flight in their lifetimes. I am awesome and smart.

9:03 - Jump! Jump jump jump! Was that mean? That was mean. I shouldn't have said it. But I don't like Jack.

9:06 - Jin: "Because. Those pants. Don't make. Your butt look big."

9:07 - I love that shot of the group of Losties trudging along the beach. It's like The Ten Commandments, what with all the sand and groupyness and being led somewhere.

9:08 - Fantasia is in a musical version of The Color Purple? What? Is that what Clive said? Oh yeah, I changed the channel during the commercial. Why must they arrange it so that American Idol and Lost overlap? Whyyyyyyyy?

9:09 - Carrie Underwood sucks. I'm going back to Lost even if the commercials are still on!

9:10 - Ooops, I hope I didn't miss anything. If Naomi is English, why did she pop out with a million different languages before English?

9:11 - Charlie's getting a beat-down from the Looking Glass ladies. "We all live in an invisible submarine, invisible submarine, invisible submarine." There are so many opportunities for Charlie to die! You can still do it, Charlie. Unfortunately I've just become sort of attached to you.

9:12 - Way to blow Juliet's cover, Charlie. Eejit. Mikhail: "I can be there by dawn. I have to go very slowly, because I am afraid of swimming."

9:13 - Who are these people? Clearly I don't know all of my Others.

9:14 - So the plan here is that five or so (?) Losties are going to take out a whole gang of Others? That's the plan? That does not seem like a good plan.

9:15 - I forgot about the dy-no-MITE. No! Jin! Save the pretty!

9:16 - Commercial! There's some African children's choir on Idol. They are ridiculously cute.

9:17 - Overly dramatic Sanjaya thingy. Great names in history: John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi and Sanjaya Malakar. Singing "You Really Got Me" with Steve Joe Perry or somebody. This is crazy talk. I'm glad I'm taping this. I think I'm taping this. You can never tell with my VCR.

9:19 - Oops, I got too into the Sanjaya thing. Back to Lost. Uglybeard is having a fight with Cheatywife. Cheatywife is with child.

9:21 - Punch him in his face, Rose!

9:22 - I think I like this episode because we don't have to stick with one character for too long. I hate characters. Back to Charlie! Code? 8-15-16-23-42? "Ahm gonna die, brutha!"

9:23 - Oh, there were only three of them left behind. And it's all the good-looking ones, too! Oooweee, Bernard!

9:24 - DON'T KILL KWON! He's too pretty to die! Don't hit Sayid! He's too pretty to be hit! Bernard: "Dantooine. They're on Dantooine." Way to go, Bernard. You're gonna get Karl killed. Everyone's going to die! Aren't five people supposed to die in this episode? Oh, the suspense!

9:25 - What the heck was that? I switched over to Idol and there was some sort of gnome on the stage. He blinked, then they went to commercial. Who was that? Was that someone famous? Should I know him?

9:29 - I am told that the gnome was the lead singer of Green Day. Back to Idol. The father-daughter dynamic is so touching. "Alright. Come into the woods with me. And I will kill you." Ben has crazy eyes.

9:30 - They're refilling water bottles. I thought they were crouched down in the river because they were trying to cover their scent in case they were being chased with dogs. And crouching in the middle of a river because they're really bad at hiding. Does Kate have a bun in the oven? How come it's always the women who get pregnant on this island? How come the men don't have to have the babies? Luckies. Maybe they should give it a shot. Maybe they could make it past 7 months. This is already a crazy island with polar bears and whatnot. Why not pregnant men? I nominate Sawyer.

9:33 - Someone else who is bad at hiding: Desmond. "I'm in a boat on the open sea! Maybe if I scrunch into a ball Mikhail won't know I'm here! He'll think I left!" Only say all that with a Scottish accent. And add "brutha" on the end.

9:34 - "You all everybody!" That song doesn't make any sense. I would backslap him too.

9:35 - Is that Ruben Studdard singing with Jordin? What a random duo. Melinda and Blake got to sing with famous people. They're actually pretty good.

9:38 - Blahblah Uglybeard McSurgeonhands. Popping pills like House. I think the other doctor introduced himself as "Dwight Silver" but I thought he said, "Why are you sober?" Wait, his name is Hamill? I don't know what he said.

9:41 - That is a REALLY REALLY Uglybeard. I first started calling him that because he was ugly with the beard but it turns out when you really look at the beard, it is just an Uglybeard.

9:42 - So far I am not very impressed with the first hour of Lost. It's a lot like the rest of the season, where nothing ever happens. That was the least romantic kiss I've seen in a while. Thanks, Doctor Uglybeard and Shifty McSwitchteams.

9:43 - Shoot Charlie before he creates another song! Mikhail: "Sorry I'm late. It took me a while to get here because I'm afraid of swimming." Ew, his eye socket's all healed over! I don't know how I want it to look. Just put the patch back on please, Patchy.

9:46 - Come on! Has Blake lost yet? Let's just get it over with so I can buy his CD and forget that Jordin exists. If Blake wins, I will be sad because he will have to make a stupid American Idol album and have his creativity stifled. Unfortunately, Fox and ABC seem to be matching up their commercials now. They're on to me!

9:50 - So all of a sudden tonight, American Idol can afford Beatles songs?

9:50 - Back to Lost. A runway for aliens! Oh darn, she's kidding. That would be as good as my pregnant-men subplot. Sawyer: "So are you screwing Jack yet?" Juliet: "Are you?" Srah: "Heh heh heh." Hurray, Hurley appears! Oh poor Hurley. I am so sad. Hurley, use your mind powers to make them all explode! Sure, no one's revealed that you have mind powers yet, but that's what season finales are for. Hurley has telekinetic powers, Sawyer is pregnant, and the aliens are coming.

9:53 - Holy crap, Locke is GLOWING. Like friggin' E.T. Was that a trick of the light or is his stomach glowing? Is Locke secretly a Glowworm? That goes with my other season finale drama, too. They're not drawing attention to it, so I guess I imagined it.

9:54 - "Don't, John." Who said that? It sounded like a little person. Glowworms and pregnant men and midgets, oh my! Oh, it's Walt. Welcome back, Walt. My, how you've aged.

9:55 - They're still singing songs from Sergeant Pepper on Idol. What is Blake wearing? He looks like he belongs on the Sgt Pepper cover. "With a Little Help From My Friends" is not really suited to Chris Sligh's voice. Three minutes left and now they're going to commercial. Did they already make the announcement that Jordin won? Or are we just supposed to assume it?

9:59 - Almost done with the first hour of Lost and I'm still awake. Yay me! Jack: "I want to fix things up between you and Sawyer so that you will stop hanging around me all moony-eyed. I think you're gross." Or he loves her. Like a sister? Like a cousin? Like a pen-pal?

10:00 - Uglybeard is a badass. You can tell because he listens to shouty music. He looks like a hippie. Why haven't we had any flashback crossovers? I demand crossovers. I hope that was Hurley who almost hit him with the car. Nope. Where is my "WTF?!" moment? Aren't we supposed to get one of those every hour of Lost? Blurgh. He should open up the coffin and we see that it's Mikhail and we're all like "WTF?!" But I suppose if a coffin is closed, it's gauche to open it up.

10:04 - I can't imagine wanting to live on Crazy People Island forever, what with all the booby traps and scavenging and no running water and junk. BUM BUM BUM, Rousseau meets Alex. Now perhaps we will find out the truth about Alex's parentage. Er, fatherage. Paternity.

10:05 - Buh? Jordin won? Who saw that coming? Oh wait, me. Blurgh. Jordin's the American Idol, blah di blah. Way to dodge that bullet, Blake. At least you don't have to sing this crappy song again!

10:09 - Oh good, the patch is back on. Mikhail's been shot (harpooned?). Is that one down? Or is he just immortal? Do those seven dead Others count in the total of dead characters for this episode? Does Mikhail?

10:12 - "I'm sorry, Dr House. You're being investigated by that guy from St Elsewhere." "I got another prescription for you right here. In my pants."

10:14 - "She's not who she says she is. She's a MAN, BABY!" Jack's all stubbly. I think he's trying to recreate the Uglybeard. Who calls a "walkie-talkie" a "walkie"? They do that all the time in this show. I have never heard it referred to in that way. "Can I have my walkie back? Thanks. It's got a KNIFE in it!" *stabby*

10:16 - Alright, show. If you killed Jin, Sayid and Bernard, I have no reason to watch you anymore.

10:22 - "She's no' gaunny tell ya, brutha." Oh Desmond. Your accent is so fun. Too bad you are so crazypants. You will never replace Jin or Sayid. "It was programmed... by a musician." Why did she say that so ridiculously dramatically? Why was that so dramatic? What's happening with the Glowworm?

10:24 - I like Alex. And not just because she's a krelboyne. "Aaaaleeeex... I am your moootherrrr." (That was supposed to be like Darth Vader, in case you can't tell.)

10:26 - I hate Kate and her Sawyer-Jack indecisiveness. If you have to be with someone, be with Sawyer. At least he never had an Uglybeard.

10:27 - YAAAAAAAAAAY! Not dead! The pretty is alive! How did Sawyer and Juliet end up together, leaving Jack and Kate alone together? That was dumb. Hurley (and the van) to the rescue! That episode wasn't a throwaway after all! "Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain with the rain in Shambala!" Hurley FTW!

10:34 - Mr Bojangles Doctor Uglybeard, you have a drinking oxycontin problem! Also, I think your Uglybeard is getting scragglier, if that is possible.

10:37 - Ha ha, "Attention Others." Thanks, Hurley. Now that everyone is so relieved and happy the beach party will probably get ambushed and all of the pretty and wonderful will be killed. Hurley said, "I'm sure he's paddling home as we speak" but I heard "I'm sure he's paddling home with his feet." Ha ha! His feet are hairy.

10:39 - So where are are you supposed to start with Good Vibrations? The chorus? Or just start at the beginning? Do you tap out every note or simplify it? When do you stop? GO GET DESMOND! It's Penny! Naomi is bad news! Someone is missing! Mikhail IS immortal! Charlie is saving Desmond! The hobbit is going to die! Again! Also I think he's going to get electrocuted! What was the point of him not dying last week, only to die this week? That is lame. Last minute saving? Please? Save the Hobbit, save the world! Save Charlie! Take Jack! What a horrible way to die. Maybe you can escape through that porthole.

10:44 - Naomi is not to be trusted!

10:46 - Promo for Cavemen. Argh.

10:49 - This is bad. I don't know why this is bad, but the dramatic music and Penny's transmission tells me this is bad. You are not going to get off this island. You're going to be on this island for another three months, at least. Oh boy, "the beginning of the end." Ben, your new name is Cassandra. Way to go, Glowworm! You like to destroy everything. The thing is, he shot Naomi but not the phone. Ring ring! Smack him again, Rousseau. Will someone explain to me whether Ben is really Alex's dad? It seems like that should have been addressed by now. Why hasn't Alex asked? Shoot him, Locke! Jack sucks.

10:52 - Yippee! They're all going to be rescued! FALSE.

10:55 - Kate? WTF? Here is my bizarre insane crossover for the day. Wha? They knew each other? Is this a flash-forward rather than a flashback? Why was he referring to his dad if he's been dead for months or years? Whose funeral was it? What's happening? Huh? I am so lost. Thanks, Lost! So all the rescuing and Uglybeardness happened after the island? Stay off her, Uglybeard! Your beard is too Ugly and you are all messed up. WHA? I'm so confused. Way to surprise me, Stupid Lost. I wish I could quit you.