srah blah blah

And then Angela Lansbury pulled out her Beretta...

Dear Planet Earth,

In going through the list of great characters... few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from "Streetcar Named Desire"... Willy Loman, from "Death of a Salesman"... Screech, from "Saved By The Bell" and, of course, Big Man from "Trapped in the Closet". If you ever want to see acting at its finest... acting that will make you re-examine your life... acting that will make you see the world for the first time... watch the 2005 hip-hopera raperetta music video serial monstrosity Trapped in the Closet. It is truly scrumtralescent.

Yes, this weekend I saw yet another example of truly terrible cinema. But Trapped in the Closet was the Feel-Good Tragedy of the Year compared to Yours, Mine and Ours and The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold. YM&O and TCEGFTG made me sad for America and the movie industry in general and were therefore real downers, whereas Trapped in the Closet just made me feel very very very sad for R. Kelly and whoever financed it, and also a little sad that he will probably never get the funding to make the next twelve chapters, so we will never learn about Tina and Roxanne. Woe unto the Earth!

You owe it to yourself to rent-- nay, buy this DVD. Buy it in order to fund the production of further chapters! Maybe once they're all released, then the whole thing will make sense!¹

If I can narrow it down to just two, my favorite parts are Bridget's accent and obsession with pears. PAY-YERS! You must eat some! Eat some pay-yers! Go up the stay-yers! She's three months pregnant and blaming her suspicious behavior on it being "that time of the month"! Don't question it! It's probably a cliffhanger!

Most of the rest of the horror that is Trapped in the Closet has been discussed elsewhere, including:

• J's livejournal, where I first heard of the monstrosity
• ludickid's livejournal polls, which J linked to
• tritium's livejournal, which J also linked to
• SomethingAwful's Thorpe's Notes on Chapters 1-6 and Chapters 7-12
• IMDb user comments
• Wikipedia

You stay classy.

–––––
¹ No it won't.

srah - Tuesday, 16 May 2006 - 9:16 PM
Tags: bad movies, movies, music, open letters, r kelly, trapped in the closet

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