22 entries from srah blah blah tagged with 'open letters':


A state that's untouchable like Elliot Ness

I am going to California in March! Finally I will officially be able to say that I've been to California! I sort of was in California this summer, but I'm kind of embarassed to check it off the list, since the entirety of my time there was landing in San Diego, then taking a cab to the port and getting on a ship. And I could still see the airport from the ship, so I didn't even travel that far within San Diego. This time I will actually spend multiple days in the state and see things and take pictures...

srah - Wednesday, 30 January 2008 - 8:07 PM
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Crimpity crimpity now now, crimpity crimpity ask me how

Dear American Idol, If it is not too late to suggest this (which it probably is, but you can use my ideas next year), I humbly suggest the following themes for the eleven "Top 12" weeks of American Idol: Queen Neil Diamond Musicals #1 song from the day you were born The Cure Wizard Rock Gilbert and Sullivan Famous commercial jingles Crimp Night srah's choice Live Crocodile Night (no singing involved)...

srah - Tuesday, 8 January 2008 - 12:00 AM
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A wife of seventeen? You shall find me a wife of a thousand...

For once, this is a message that I just sent, rather than an open letter on my blog going out into the void. Dear CNN Money, Your article "Where the singles are" might have been more interesting and effective if it had taken into account the ages of the singles in the towns listed. For example, I'm sure that [Srahtown] is a great place to be an 18-21 year old single (about 66% of the population of the town is 18-24) but as a 27 year old in that town, it isn't quite as glamorous. I noticed that most of...

srah - Wednesday, 12 September 2007 - 8:37 PM
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Know ye not, oh rash ones, that you have doomed it to extermination?

Reading through the IMDb message board for The Pirates of Penzance¹, I found that someone had posted the address of Universal Studios' contact form, encouraging other fans to ask Universal to release Pirates on DVD. This is what I wrote: Please release The Pirates of Penzance on DVD! I was at a video rental store this weekend and discovered that they had phased out their VHS rentals in favor of DVDs. As VHS is phased out, so - sadly - is The Pirates of Penzance, as that is the only version of the movie that is currently available. Generations will...

srah - Thursday, 9 August 2007 - 5:21 PM
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Because I can communicate with non-physical entities

Dear Fourth of July, What inspired you to be on a Wednesday this year? This makes no sense to me. There you are, smack-dab in the middle of the week where I cannot enjoy you fully. Please relocate to somewhere better by this time next year... OR ELSE!...

srah - Wednesday, 27 June 2007 - 12:21 PM
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And then Angela Lansbury pulled out her Beretta...

Dear Planet Earth, In going through the list of great characters... few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from "Streetcar Named Desire"... Willy Loman, from "Death of a Salesman"... Screech, from "Saved By The Bell" and, of course, Big Man from "Trapped in the Closet". If you ever want to see acting at its finest... acting that will make you re-examine your life... acting that will make you see the world for the first time... watch the 2005 hip-hopera raperetta music video serial monstrosity Trapped in the Closet. It is truly scrumtralescent. Yes, this weekend I saw yet another example of...

srah - Tuesday, 16 May 2006 - 9:16 PM
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(This from the would-be fashionista in shoes from Target)

Dear Boy I Passed On the Sidewalk After Work Today, There is no excuse for wearing white socks with a dark suit. I can only think of one situation in which it is acceptable to wear white socks with a dark suit, and that is if it is HALLOWEEN and you are dressed as one of the BLUES BROTHERS. But as it is May and you were wearing a blue shirt and I didn't see E-L-W-O-O-D written across your fingers, I am assuming this is not the case. If you do not have any dark-colored socks that match, you should...

srah - Thursday, 4 May 2006 - 5:58 PM
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Tip me over and pour me out

Dear Meijer's Cashier, Awww, isn't that teenagedboyish of you, to feel that a box of tampons have to go in their own separate bag, away from any of the other products I bought. I assure you, they don't have cooties. It was only mildly amusing and wouldn't have warranted a blog post if it weren't for the fact that the next bag you packed contained a five-pound bag of sugar, a half-gallon of milk, two bags of salad and a package of bagels. I think one of my arms is longer than the other now....

srah - Sunday, 18 December 2005 - 9:22 PM
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MUG TREE MUG TREE MUG TREE MUG TREE!

Dear Woman Shopping at Target, I don't know how our paths managed to cross so many times while we were shopping at the same store, but I think it's important for you to know that if you're looking for a mug tree - as in something to hang mugs on - you should stop asking Target employees for a tree mug over and over again. They're going to take you to the Christmas section, looking for a mug shaped like a Christmas tree or a mug with Christmas trees on it. After running into you demanding tree mugs from different...

srah - Saturday, 5 November 2005 - 5:45 PM
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Pop your tops?

Dear Kid With His Collar Popped Up Having Brunch With His Parents At the Sheraton This Morning, I have recently become aware of the "collar-popping" trend that, it would appear, is taking the nation's young people by storm. Clearly I have gotten old, because I wasn't even aware this was happening until I read an article about a club in D.C. that's banning it. As far as I can tell, it started as some sort of ironic throwback to the 80s and has now become mainstream - sort of like when I was in middle school and said "like" all...

srah - Sunday, 2 October 2005 - 12:05 PM
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Lord of the Flies ruined me for Young People in Mass Quantities

Dear State Street (including pedestrians, idiot drivers and - hell, the traffic light at State and North University, just for being there): Die die die die die die die. I was on North University, trying to turn left onto State. The woman in front of me in the left-turn lane pulled out into the intersection, then tried to wait for some parked cars to go. It was very courteous of her to let these cars go in front of her, but they didn't want to go. That's why they were parked. WITH NO DRIVERS IN THEM. Then she made a...

srah - Wednesday, 29 June 2005 - 3:14 PM
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Smell my head!

Dear Internet, I found a great conditioner when I was in France. I don't know if it made my hair look any better than any other conditioner would, but I quite liked the scent and it went well with the lovely shampoo I found there. And since I smell my own hair more frequently than I look at it, this is what is important to me. Unfortunately, I haven't found this brand in the States, so now that I've finished off the bottle, I have to switch. So I went and bought a bottle of something new. And I don't...

srah - Monday, 3 January 2005 - 2:10 PM
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The stupid dog only needs to stay alive until Monday

Dear Girl Who Lives in My House, I have been studying the ways of your species for some time. I do not understand why, between roughly the hours of midnight and seven AM every night, you turn off all of the lights in the house and lie on one piece of furniture for hours on end. Perhaps it's some kind of religious ritual or you are mimicking the rising and setting of the sun, or maybe you can't afford to have the lights on all day. You can't possibly be sleeping all that time. You sleep all through the day...

srah - Saturday, 20 November 2004 - 5:09 AM
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Compendium epistolaritus

Dear WNIC, All this fake-ass pre-Thanksgiving Christmasery is driving me nuts. It is harder and harder for me to resist decorating the blog for the holidays. Your somewhat loyal fan, srah Dear Stupid Band On The Radio Who Used The Phrase "supersize our tragedy," Oh my god, you suck. What the hell was that? srah Dear Saleswoman at Ann Taylor, I'm sorry I argued with you. You said the coat I was returning had been paid for with a check and I argued that it had been bought with a credit card and went on and on with my...

srah - Wednesday, 17 November 2004 - 6:25 PM
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Telegram to the girl who passed me on the sidewalk

Dear Girl Wearing a Trucker Hat, I'd like to be able to tell you about now I feel about you (and your fashion decisions) STOP Unfortunately, this wire is already too expensive STOP So instead I will just say please STOP. Sincerely Cordially Affectionately Yeah right, SRAH...

srah - Wednesday, 6 October 2004 - 10:19 AM
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Open letter to the fashion victim... of my LOVE!

Dear Thirty- Or Forty-Something Woman Walking In Front Of Me, Whoa. I think maybe we should slow things down. We are taking things a little too fast and I'm getting freaked out. Let's just take a step back and think things over because I think we might be rushing it. I mean, I don't even know you, and yet I am intimately aware of your underwear selection. We've never even talked and I know that you're wearing a thong. Actually, that's not completely true. I don't know that you're wearing a thong, I just kind of hope that you are,...

srah - Monday, 13 September 2004 - 10:31 AM
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She's always a trailer for sale or rent to me...

Dear John Stevens, It is sick sick sick that I can't take my eyes off of you when you're singing and I want you to be singing to me and I get your songs in my head for weeks after your performances. You are 16 years old and besides, tbone has already laid claim to you. I'm afraid it can never work between us, sweetie, so please stop giving me that entirely inappropriate 16-year-old come-hither look while you sing and making me want to jump into the TV. Sincerely, The Demon Dog (No, ha ha, just kidding) SRAH...

srah - Wednesday, 24 March 2004 - 7:07 AM
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Because you all like him more than me...

Dear Girl Who Lives In My House, Sit. Siiiiiiiit. Staaaaaaaaaaaaay. No, not at the computer! Bad girl! I don't feel like being in either of the rooms with computers. You really should come out to the family room and watch some TV, because I am morally obligated to be in the same room as whoever is home at all times. And I want to sleep in that room. You can't possibly have anything more important to do than inhabit the same room as me so that I can sleep! I don't think you've quite understood what I'm getting at. Sometimes...

srah - Monday, 15 March 2004 - 9:39 PM
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He types pretty well for having no thumbs

Dear srahFamily, You so crazy! I know that you just spend the whole day sleeping at your respective "jobs" and "schools". Well, that's what I do all day. Is there really anything else to do? If there is, I certainly can't think of it. But then, I do have a brain the size of a sultana*. So since you get so much sleep during the day, there's no need for you to be horizontal all night! Therefore, I suggest a plan of Paying Attention to Howie. And by "suggest," I mean "insist on." I don't know if you noticed, but...

srah - Thursday, 12 February 2004 - 1:45 PM
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Open letter to my native tongue

Dear English, Please get a word that translates ranger more effectively than to clean up by putting things in their place rather than by dusting and scrubbing. I think you are in desperate need of one and if you don't come up with one soon, I'm going to create one. I'm thinking "flooble", as in "I'm going to flooble the chairs in here." Whaddya think?...

srah - Thursday, 16 January 2003 - 10:45 AM
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Open letter to the bus company

Dear Bus Inter, Your buses are scheduled to come once every half-hour. So once the bus is 15 minutes late, we are actually closer to the next bus than to the one that is late. This is bothersome when one is wearing a skirt and boots that aren't made for walking, or when it is cold and/or rainy. Cease and desist thy tardiness, evil bus company! C'est éxagéré, les gars!...

srah - Thursday, 7 November 2002 - 12:21 PM
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Open letter to France Télécom (12.10.02)

Dear France Télécom, I hate you with all of my heart and soul. You told me my land line would work on Tuesday and gave me a number to call if it didn't, which made me suspect that it wouldn't. And, of course, it didn't. I called the number on Tuesday and you told me to stay home Friday afternoon between 3:30 and 5:00 because someone would come by to look at it. I came home at 3:00 on Friday to find that you'd left a card, saying that you'd been there Thursday at 4:30 and - surprise! - no...

srah - Monday, 14 October 2002 - 4:55 AM
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