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Patrick Hall - When he stands behind the microphone and looks right at you, he looks like Tom Green. It took me a minute to figure out who it was he reminded me of. He's... not very good. He's mostly just yelling. Too bad, because he's somewhat moderately attractive in a skinny, not-AceYoung sort of way. Ryan and Patrick are both wearing pink shirts. That's weird.

David Radford - ONE DIMENSIONAL CROONER! ONE! ONE DIMENSION! (This guy has a certain number of dimensions, and the number is one.) WOW! Wait, I take it back. He is so multi-dimensional. Not only can he sing crooner tunes, he can sing other songs in a crooner-fashion. BOOOOO! You are no John Stevens, young man. Dye your hair red and lose your self-confidence and then come back and talk to me. That performance was altogether just weird and disjointed.

THE KITTY POUND? WHAT THE HECK? I AM GOING TO THROW UP. I AM ESPECIALLY GOING TO THROW UP BECAUSE I JUST THOUGHT OF A SYNONYM FOR "KITTY" THAT WOULD BE MORE ALLITERATIVE WITH THE WORD "POUND" AND IT WOULD BE TOTALLY OFFENSIVE!

The boys are nowhere near as good as the girls.

Dear Ryan, David is jailbait. I know you want to get your Paula Abdul-Corey Clark on, but he is not the one for you!

What the heck is this music in the Coke commercial? It sounds like a sample from a Motown song or something.

Why do I actually like Ryan this season?

Bucky Covington - In addition to being K-Fed-style ugly and being named Bucky, Bucky Covington also has a completely unintelligible accent (with mumbling a la Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain) and has something wrong with his teeth that makes him whistle when he talks. He scared me at the beginning of the song by sounding pretty good, but then he started whining right out of his stomach and made everything all better.

Bucky: wlekjr;osoaijdsfalsdfdmklsdlslirwisfkskfoserilifklsdf hats off to him.
Ryan: Yes. Hats off to him. And whatever else you said.

Will Makar - Hey look, it's George Michael from Arrested Development. I hate these monologues. I can't wait for Makeover Week so we can see what he looks like once the Beauties get ahold of him. Oh wait, wrong show. Still, can we give him a haircut? Will Makar wants to be like Michael Jackson. That's a noble ambition.

Oh wait, NO IT ISN'T.

He isn't keeping up with the music. Why are the guys so bad and the girls are so good? Maybe that's why they separate them - because if they were all competing together, the guys would be eliminated right away. It's weird to hear this song in such a low key. I love the Jackson Five.

Wait, Paula liked BOBBY Brady? That's totally wrong. Bobby was like, twelve when the show ended. I hope she means Peter or Greg. Or the dad. But Paula's kind of a freak.

I haven't thought "Wow" about a lot of American Idol performances. The only one that comes to mind is Fantasia singing "Summertime." I hated Fantasia until that evening and it totally changed my mind about her.

"Where there's a Will, there's a Sway." DO YOU HATE YOURSELF, RYAN? DO YOU HATE YOURSELF FOR BEING THE WRITERS' LITTLE BITCH?

Sway Penala - You lose 113 points for wearing that hat. You gain 11 points for your dad having no rhythm. He should have picked the Jackson Five song, since he seems to be all about the falsetto. WTF? He has more stage presence than the other guys so far, but that's because he has vast experience as a boy band member. "I'm Howie D. and this is Howie do it."

Chris Daughtry - I like him! Finally! So much of being good in American Idol is about good song choices. And this is a good one for him. It's not super complicated and it sounds good. That's what's important early on! You don't need to be that complicated - you need to make the audience like you. Why would you put Jon Bon Jovi and Matchbox 20 in the same sentence? Matchbox 20 should be sent into outer space, then set on fire.

Kevin Covais - Adorable dork! So awkward! So aware of his shortcomings! We need to teach him to dance. He isn't going to last long with that lisp. He reminds me of all four hobbits. He does have a nice voice, though. I think I might vote for him just because he's so adorably pathetic. Little eyes behind glasses and a twitchy nose and adorable teeth - he's like a little bunny rabbit! I wonder what he'll grow into. Ryan Seacrest wants to come up and squish the bunny rabbit too. Behave yourself, Ryan! He is also very underage! I like Kevin's parents too. KEEP KEVIN! WE MUST ALL SQUISH HIM TOGETHER!

Gedeon McKenney - I wish there were a way for me to get across, in email form, how much I hate it when people over-enunciate their words like that. He reminds me of someone too... I think it might be Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live. Let's get him to ask Ron Burgundy to play us some "yazz flute". I can't take him seriously at all in any way with the Fred Armisen face and the enunciating and the whole "bring it"/Jesus thing last week and the name Gedeon. BOOO!

Elliott Yamin - I hate those Amish beards. It's like a face-frame! I think I might like him, but he needs to do something about the beard. Maybe he could grow the rest in and it would draw attention away from his bad teeth. Or he could shave it all off and get a... hat... with some lights on it to draw attention away from his bad teeth. His teeth aren't even THAT bad, but there are like, two that I hate and they keep showing us that side of his mouth. He was a good singer, but not as good as the judges said. AAAAAAH! I just realized who his chin and beard remind me of - it's Harry Shearer's character in A Mighty Wind, the one who becomes a transvestite.

Bobby Bennett - What a terrible song choice. You are just setting Simon up to call you a hotel lounge singer. And Randy, for that matter, because sometimes he steals the really unoriginal ones to use himself. I kind of want to vote for him just because his personality entertains me. Look, more facial hair I don't like! I like that this guy likes Barry Manilow. He'll be good for NEIL DIAMOND NIGHT, when they have it. I've been calling for NEIL DIAMOND NIGHT for five seasons now. When will we have our NEIL DIAMOND NIGHT? Neil has a new CD out this year! He should be welcoming the attention to his oeuvre. Anyway, I like Bobby. :) So there. Hooray for Seacrest! Stand up to Simon!

Ace Young - He has super pink cheeks. Like a clown. Other than that, he's pretty, in such a way that I can't decide if I'm going to like him or hate him for being so pretty. And he knows what he's doing in terms of song choice, too. "I am pretty, so I will sing a song where I get whispery and sultry and all the girls will sigh. I will make love to the camera, but not like Constantine did where it was so gross and disturbing that Sarah had to leave the room." AAAAH! HE SMILED! I AM BLINDED! BLINDED BY THE POWER OF HIS BEAUTY! That's weird how his brother is, like, a lesser-Ace. Paula's going to hyperventilate. I like how she was all unintelligible and now she's just making moony eyes at him.

Ryan: "I think that I want to do something that America wants me to do."

I totally thought that he was going to haul off and kiss him.

Taylor Hicks - I can't watch him without laughing! His knees are sort of dangling in the air and knocking together like he's a marionnette. Darn it, his voice is pretty good when I don't look at him. Well, don't expect me to vote for him. Whoa, he's doing some kind of karate kicking or possibly trying to hide his body behind his leg. His movement is so WEIRD! Did Randy just say that Taylor walked in the room playing the harp? That would be weird. I wish he had played the harp instead of the harmonica. Can we get a harp-player next season? Taylor is a crazy person.

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