Hannibal the Hornet lies in wait

I have just discovered that I am deathly afraid of bees! Oh boy, another phobia/neurosis to add to the list!

There is a member of the bee family in my office. I always lump anything together that is black and yellow and has a stinger attached to it as a "bee" but I think this one may be a hornet. I am basing this on the fact that when it stopped flying around and I got a look at it, it looked exactly like this*, only slightly less cartoonish.

I've never been stung by a "bee" and my hypochondria and overactive imagination like to remind me that, having never tested it out, I have no way of knowing if I am among that percentage of the population who are allergic to bee stings. So I knew I didn't like the buggers, but I didn't realize the extent of this fear until this one entered my office.

It was a dark and stormy night. He flew into my office and demanded that I take the case. Of all the offices in all the world, he flies into mine. "Listen, Jack, I don't take that from no one, you hear?" I spat in his face--

Wait. I am not Humphrey Bogart**. I am not a private investigator. And a hornet's face is too small to spit at. So instead it went a little, as Strong Bad would say, a-like-a thees:

I heard a buzzing behind my head, but there is construction going on across the street so you hear all kinds of noises. It wasn't until he flew into my peripheral vision that I saw him, and even then I thought he was a fly. I grew suspicious and my suspicions were confirmed when he alighted*** on the wall and I could see his stripes and his little hornety face.

As long as he is on the move, I am paralyzed. When I hear the buzzing, I have to find the source and watch him. I don't know what to do with him. Being scared of bees, I don't want to do anything to antagonize him, but I want him gone. I have to know where he is at all times because I'm terrified that he's going to land on me and that I am going to freak out and swat at him and make him angry and he's going to sting me and I'm going to go into shock and die and it will be made even sadder by the fact that our office has been temporarily relocated to the fourth floor of the University Health Services building for the summer and I am going to die of a bee sting while just one floor down, doctors and nurses and other health professionals go about their business, unaware of my plight but even if they knew they probably wouldn't do anything because I don't have student status anymore and OH MY GOD, did something just land on me no that's my hair I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay it's okay, everything's going to be okay.

He's taken up residence on the light fixture for now, so I'm okay for a few minutes. Time to get some work done before he takes off again and all I can do is stare...

–––––
* I Googled "charlotte hornets" to find this link, only to learn that they've moved to New Orleans. How do you people expect me to know anything about basketball if no one tells me these things? Am I supposed to find out on my own? Am I supposed to watch basketball in order to understand what's going on? Next thing, you're going to try to convince me that the Pistons don't suck anymore and won the NBA Championship last year. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Nice try.
** Or "HumBo," as I like to call him. But not to his face.
*** "Alit"?

srah - Wednesday, 18 May 2005 - 11:10 AM
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Comments (7)

gravatar Not Your MOM - May 18, 2005 - 11:45 AM -

Can you open a window and entice the wasp or hornet out?
Can you go borrow a fly swatter from someone and maybe even a someone to swat it for you? Most guys feel macho doing this for little women.
Another option would be to call the janitor staff and ask them to come and take care of it... maybe with some hornet spray. You should keep some handy from now on... like pepper spray in your purse.
That's all I got.

gravatar Cari - May 18, 2005 - 1:31 PM -

Hahaha...carry hornet spray in your purse!

gravatar apete - May 18, 2005 - 1:51 PM -

I love this one...it's built for a sequel blog entry with the menacing hornet perched on the light. Thank goodness there isn't an opportunity for a prequel.

gravatar Tony - May 19, 2005 - 1:12 AM -

"Most guys feel macho doing this for little women."

Is THAT what it's all about? It's a good thing I go to the gym and get all pumped up to face those little bugs. I bet spider extermination has the same effect.

I think I will use this as part of my new pick-up shtick. "Hi, I'm Tony, have any bees or wasps that you need killed? What you need is a man who knows how to wield a flyswatter and some RAID (R) Wasp and Hornet Killer."

gravatar srah - May 19, 2005 - 8:16 AM -

Ha ha! Pick-up schtick!

gravatar Your Anonymous RWYDK - May 19, 2005 - 2:42 PM -

Maybe empathizing with the creatures will solve your problem (this is from MSNBC):

"The impact potential at our tables is that if honeybees cease to exist today, one-third of the food you and I eat would simply disappear," says Jerry Hayes, the chief apiarian inspector at the Florida Department Agriculture and Consumer Services.

Researchers say the parasites latch onto developing bees called the brood while still in the hive. They can wipe out an entire colony in just a few months. Pesticides used to work against varroa mites, but now the mites have become resistant.

So in an effort to avert an agricultural crisis, scientists have turned to selective breeding. At the University of Florida, they're creating new colonies of bees that have somehow learned to fight back.

"They actually will pull the brood out [and] identify the brood that is infected with mites," says Dr. H. Glen Hall, an entomologist at the university. "They open the cell, they pull the brood out and discard it along with the mites."

Still, it will take years to develop enough mite-resistant bee colonies to make a difference. In the meantime, farmers are paying a premium to import bees by the millions. But beekeepers say they soon won't have enough healthy bees to sell.

"I'd say 30-40 percent a year of my bees are dying," says beekeeper David Mendes at Headwaters Farm.

As the bees die, so too do the hopes of farmers, who are quickly running out of options.>>

gravatar Not Your MOM - May 19, 2005 - 7:08 PM -

The world w/o bees is certainly something to think about.

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