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I'm going to murder you, you bloody woman

I have always dreamed of being rich and famous.

"Someday when I'm rich and famous," I tell people, "I will have someone to drive me around all day and I'll never have to drive anywhere again."

"Someday when I'm rich and famous," I dream, "I will own fancy shoes that cost more than fifty dollars and make The Manolo proud!"

"Someday when I'm rich and famous," I say, "I will have my own reserved parking spot."

"Someday when I'm rich and famous," I muse, "I will buy all of the hats in China¹ and never be sad for a lost hat again."

("Someday when I'm rich and famous," I mutter, "I'll have you all killed.")

Sometime last weekend it was determined that since I am not famous yet and am in a place and field where I am unlikely to become famous (and I am a terrible neglecty blog-neglector, so I'm not going to be famous that way), the only avenue left to me is to become a serial killer.

The problem is: this only solves the "fame" part of the bargain. When did you ever hear of a serial killer who became rich and famous? I would have to be a little bit Robin Hood and a little bit Queen of Hearts: Steal from the rich, then off with their heads.

Alas, I don't think I have the drive or the energy to be a very effective serial killer, so I would probably be caught pretty quickly. So maybe I should add that I want to be rich, famous and at liberty to roam around where I please, without having to wear a stripey jumpsuit and leg irons.

Back to the drawing board. I guess I have to become a children's book author, or marry for my riches and fame or something. Drat. I don't suppose I'm the long-lost heir to the throne of a tiny European nation or something, am I?

¹ Hats? Tea? What? Never you mind.

srah - Wednesday, 2 January 2008 - 7:51 PM
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Comments (12)

gravatar Jess - January 2, 2008 - 9:08 PM -

Sucks not to be rich and famous, huh? But at least you don't have flashbulbs constantly going off in your face.

gravatar Cheryl - January 3, 2008 - 8:17 AM -

You'll just have to be a very creative serial killer so you can sell your story afterwards. That will make you rich.

I am also going to marry into money, but more as a retirement plan than anything else.

gravatar Elisabeth - January 3, 2008 - 1:23 PM -

One other reason to want to be famous? Being the token American on a British quiz show with Noel and Richard.

gravatar srah - January 3, 2008 - 1:54 PM -

Oh my. Yes.

gravatar katelin - January 3, 2008 - 7:01 PM -

I still need to figure out how to be famous too.

gravatar b - January 3, 2008 - 9:10 PM -

you are VERY close to the right idea...see, you DO become the serial killer but get acquitted then write a national bestseller about why you were hunted like a dog and persecuted by the law, go on the talk show circuit, marry some Eurotrash rich guy you met at a book release gala, write a self-help book about the Law of Attraction which becomes bestseller #2 and VIOLA! instant cache flowage!

i am an eveil genius! ;)

gravatar Fraulein N - January 3, 2008 - 10:48 PM -

"I would have to be a little bit Robin Hood and a little bit Queen of Hearts: Steal from the rich, then off with their heads."

Oh, I see you've stumbled onto my Five Year Plan.

gravatar Patty Hearst - January 3, 2008 - 11:40 PM -

Someday when I am poor and unknown I would like wear a bathing suit even while chubby and really white and not have anybody notice, and decorate my lean-to with strings of pop can pull tabs so that they make a nice sound in the wind.

gravatar srah - January 3, 2008 - 11:55 PM -

Good point. I think authors and directors have it pretty good - they are famous without being celebrities. Nobody wants to take paparazzi photos of Martin Scorcese or Stephen King.

gravatar Jen - January 8, 2008 - 1:17 PM -

You are overlooking the guaranteed-to-get-you-rich-and-famous-in-a-jiffy options:

1. Make a sex tape that "accidentally" gets leaked online with someone sorta famous. *Suggestions: Carrot Top, Scott Baio, or Meredith Baxter. **Side Note: Make it original...perhaps think about including a bleacher and/or scoring section to liven up the genre.

2. Be caught in a compromising position with a government leader, the more compromising (aka can't be talked around with the word "relations") the better. For bonus points, make sure the person is either the same sex and/or married. You'll make the front page and Oprah if it's a conservative Republican with special needs foster children who likes to wear diapers and be called Puddin' while you're, er, compromising him/her.
*Note: You can substitute one high ranking goverment official for two musicians with a Top 20 hit, three professional sports players, four daytime tv actors, or all of the New Kids on the Block.

3. Become impregnated with the child of a highly visible celebrity. *Bonus points - He is married, he is in a weird religion, his hetero card has been put under suspicion.

4. Create an AMAZING, EASY, MIRACLE diet that includes two or three odd and hard to find items combined in the most disgusting way possible. *Bonus points - a wacky outfit, uncommonly loud and/or obnoxious voice and slogan, a secret liposuction drama including photos of the removed fat that show up on a gossip magazine cover.

5. The guaranteed rich and famous cornerstone - TV Evangelist. (Odd looking hair and obviously fake Southern accent are a requirement...plus make sure you yell "JESUS" and "HALLELUJAH" a lot, it's good for ratings.)

gravatar srah - January 8, 2008 - 1:31 PM -

It sounds like you have this well thought-out. So why aren't you famous yet?

gravatar Jen - January 8, 2008 - 4:50 PM -

I never claimed to desire fame and fortune...I just provide the wisdom for you to catch your dreams little bunny rabbit. And if you happen to catch Michael Buble while your at it, I'll take him as a gesture of your gratitude.

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