'Uncle! I'll nurse you back to health! With soup!'

Return of the King was The Book That Wouldn't End. The climax comes, then the book drags on forever, tying up millions of loose ends and telling you what everyone did for the rest of their lives.

Even after taking out an important end sequence, Return of the King was The Movie That Wouldn't End. It was great, but the end was so very long and so very filmed in slow-motion.

I also laughed inappropriately much too often, but that could be me. For example, I couldn't help but giggle every time Gondor's ridiculous helmets came onscreen. And seriously? They all ended up in bed together. What's up with that? I had a lot of other complaints, as a fan of the books and as a fan of watching movies, which is just stupid because it was a great movie and I enjoyed it. All I can think of was how much more I could have liked it. Maybe this will all be solved in the Extended Edition.

Orlando Bloom Legolas was always the most masculine-looking of the elves (which really isn't saying much). Then they ruined him by putting him in some ice-blue getup and putting jewelry on his head. He was also ruined for me earlier in the day when Mr B------ pointed out that all of his lines just state the obvious. At least he got to climb an oliphant.

I'm glad my beloved elf turned out to be totally lame, because my affections were stolen by a Fool of a Took anyway.

srah - Thursday, 18 December 2003 - 2:57 AM
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Comments (12)

gravatar katie - December 18, 2003 - 10:45 AM -

What's a Fool of a Took?

Orlando is so yummy I don't care about the jewelry. And stating the obvious is an important job, since everyone else seems to be totally overlooking it. Seriously. Gimme some elf lovin'.

gravatar srah - December 18, 2003 - 11:01 AM -

Pippin!

No, seriously. Have you seen the movie yet? The jewelry! The jewelry!

Pippin wears a plaid waistcoat and a paisley scarf at the end. :D

gravatar Justin - December 18, 2003 - 11:37 AM -

Yeah, but you must admit, the jewelry was very Elvish. I mean, the elves are all transvestites anyway, aren't they?

Plus, he has to state the obvious because, as proven by my trip the cinema last night, 90% of movie patrons are complete imbeciles.

gravatar Justin - December 18, 2003 - 11:39 AM -

Oh, and a word about the ending(s). It was really justified, in my opinion, to have a 20-minute epilogue. I mean, when you've invested 7+ hours (in the Extended Editions) in these characters, the least you can do is bring their stories full-circle and give them some closure. I mean, at least they didn't go on like the book did. That'd have been an entire hour of movie if they'd done that.

gravatar katie - December 18, 2003 - 1:00 PM -

No, I haven't seen the movie yet. No money, remember? And I'm taking my sweet time to ponder your generous gift. Oh, and weeknights aren't good for people who have to get up at 5:30am and go to work.

Did I just say that? I am turning into such a loser.

gravatar srah - December 18, 2003 - 1:17 PM -

I was biased re: the ending because I had to pee. Probably could have been saved for the Extended Edition, which people can pause to go to the potty.

gravatar Vanessa, London, UK - December 18, 2003 - 5:12 PM -

Complaint 1: The dwarf and Legolas only got about two lines. When it seemed like they were all set to get together at the end of the last one along.

Complaint 2: It was way too homo-erotic to be serious.

But I'm bloody surprised that I enjoyed the battles. I think having a cutesy brave midget in the far corner of every single scene helped.

gravatar Vanessa, London, UK - December 18, 2003 - 5:13 PM -

And by homo-erotic, I mean hobbits.

gravatar Deirdre - December 18, 2003 - 10:06 PM -

Legolas doesn't need to speak great lines. He can just sit there (or run or stand or pull on his bow) looking like one yummy Elf.

gravatar Justin - December 18, 2003 - 10:41 PM -

Re: having to go pee during the ending(s).

This is why you don't stop by the concessions when you're going to see a 3 1/2 hour movie. For, ya know, future reference. Like when they make Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix into a movie or something.

gravatar Daria - December 19, 2003 - 5:52 AM -

Legolas has been called "Exposition Elf" by random people, and I think the name fits more than ever. He's still cute though, so we'll let it slide.

I am totally smitten with Pippin. The more he talks, the more I love him :-D

gravatar katie - December 19, 2003 - 1:04 PM -

"or pull on his bow"

Homo or not, that's erotic.

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