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Dave Barry à la française

Hee hee... an internet Dave Barry Column creator.

Recently in Vichy (motto: "Casse-toi!"), residents reported an outbreak of video game nerds. Perhaps you think there are no video game nerds in Vichy. Perhaps you are an idiot. As the French say, au contraire (literally: "I can smell you from France.!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Cheryl, whose name can be rearranged to spell "CLHYER", although that is not my main point. "Cheryl", by the way, only has the letters "Ceyl" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Vichy Mayor Valéry Giscard-d'Estaing (formally "Mayor Valéry Giscard-d'Estaing" and informally "Grover"), video game nerds ranks as a major crisis just behind index finger, middle finger and thumb (insert your "pinky" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Vichy government employees:

FIRST VICHY EMPLOYEE: "I'm totally out of here, dude."
SECOND VICHY EMPLOYEE: "You are quite a poopy individual."
FIRST VICHY EMPLOYEE: "I shall kill you with many sharp knives."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Grover, and that is: kick George Steinbrenner's head.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's head, although it might involve enslaving Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "move", and de grace, meaning "to Vichy and drink stagnant water all day". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. flush it down the toilet
2. plunging

But instead the Vichy city council (motto: "We'll benefit and protect people when you pry the hot dog out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the video game nerds) will play mooing games, scream at each other, and hit on any girls entering the place soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "I SUCK.".

Speaking of which, "The Vichy Video game nerds Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.

[via NOIBLATA]

srah - Tuesday, 29 October 2002 - 11:00 AM
Tags: discovered

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