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I'm not perfect... but I would like to be

The most difficult thing for me to handle here is the feeling that I'm not in control of anything. I need to be in control. I need to be on top of things and know what I'm doing. I feel like I spend most of my time being lost and confused and doing my lesson plans the morning of, because I had to talk to the teacher about them, and still not being sure if it's what I'm supposed to be doing, if it will last the whole hour, if it will interest the students, or if it will teach them anything remotely useful.

I come to school at 8am, talk to the teachers, they tell me things that make sense in theory, but I have no idea how to put them into practice.

Sometimes I really wonder what the hell I'm doing here and if the students wouldn't be better off learning from someone with actual pedagogical training and experience. I feel like a fraud and I feel like I'm treading water, just surviving from one class period to another based on luck. I'm treading water and I never have a moment to relax and feel on top of things - to get into a rhythm and feel comfortable.

It's true that I haven't been here for long and that I may get comfortable as time goes on, but I'm feeling very stressed at the moment and I don't quite know what to do. Maybe once I get to know my teachers and classes, everything will become clear.

In the meantime... is psychiatric consultation covered by French Social Security?

srah - Wednesday, 6 November 2002 - 6:42 PM

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